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Mr. Marlon Brando, former spy cat

Mr. Marlon Brando is a former member of the Cats In Action training program. His Covert Animal Handler recently retired from the CIA under suspicious circumstances, allowing Mr. Brando the opportunity to pursue his dream of a career in cinema. In addition to appearing in numerous cat food commercials, he has written a screenplay for “Spy Kids 5” in which the role of Argonaut, the robodog, is replaced by “Tuxedo Tom, Spy Cat.”

On Retirement

I’m not a secret agent cat anymore. But I play one on TV.

Fortunately, it’s not that hard. When I was in the Cats In Action training program, my handler had me brewing coffee for him, shredding secret documents with my claws to hide in the litter box, and placing bugs in visitors’ shoes. He gave me these little metal, electronic things, but I preferred cockroaches and spiders–so much more authentic.

Compared to that, pretending to be a famous spy while I eat gourmet canned cat food in front of lights and cameras is easy.

Timber has told me about his “Adventures”. He says he actually gets to drive the car, shoot grappling guns, and learn Russian. My handler couldn’t even speak Cat.

In the meantime, is there life after being a secret agent cat? I’m here to say yes, there is. Retirement doesn’t have to mean fading away or letting your dreams die. So what if I never went on a mission. So what if my career was a dead-end joke, mismanaged by a crook and a double-agent. So what if I was forced to retire before I ever had a chance to begin.

Life is what you make of it. I turned a passion for canned tuna and a cute face into a backup job, and a thwarted espionage career into a Hollywood screenplay.

So what if no one else will ever read it. I’m starring in it every time you see me licking clean a bowl of canned food on your TV.

(But if Horgan ever has an opening, I wouldn’t turn him down. Just saying.)

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Horgan’s training us for a new mission. It’s top secret. But his butcher shop was broken into again, and he says it’s cheaper to train cats as guards than buy a better security system. Plus, he says it’s time to start earning our keep. I think it’s an abuse of our nocturnal tendencies. Lester says it’s an opportunity to hone our skills. Pfizz says we’ll be bringing home the bacon for real.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d let us have Internet access.

That’s why I’m opening up the On-line Home for Cats of Mystery and Adventure to Guest Bloggers this month. We’ll hear from members of Santa’ Claws, retired agents, and anyone else who has a tale of Mystery or Adventure to share. If you are a four-footed Adventurer of the feline variety with a flare for storytelling, send a picture and your story to horgan@timberhowligan.com.

Look for our first entry on Tuesday, August 13!

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