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Lester, sneaking up on me: “Timber, I’m worried about you.”

Me, closing the laptop: “What do you mean?”

Lester: “You’re taking this new role a little bit…seriously, don’t you think?”

Me, sitting on the laptop…which just happens to still be warm: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Lester: “Is this your Dropcam project again? Spying on the pets of the world? Looking for new recruits?”

Me: “Ha! Like you’re any better. Mr. ‘SpyCatNumberOne’ on Tumblr.”

Horgan: “Boys, what are you arguing about? Do I need to take your computer privileges away? Again? Get back to your Russian language lessons!”

Us: “Yes, Boss.”

Journal–If I COULD get a Dropcam pet monitor in every home, how easy would recruitment be?? Maybe there’s room in the CIA budget.

Image“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days” — Benjamin Franklin

Horgan’s sister came to visit for New Year’s. She smelled fine, kept to herself, and didn’t ask questions about the cache of weapons under the guest bed. This post is not about her.

It’s about her cat.

It started the moment Aunt Helga arrived, fluffy white cat in hand.

“You never told us she was bringing a cat,” I hissed at Horgan.

“Timber, this is Lolita. Be polite. Lolita, this is Timber. He’s not usually like this.”

“Do I have to share the litter box?”

“You share it with Lester and Pfizz already.”

Actually, I didn’t. Being former barn cats, even in the dead of winter, they still went outside. It was one thing to lick your own poop off your paws. But a stranger’s?? How could I make Horgan understand??

The white ball of fur hopped to the floor, looked me up and down, and stuck her tongue out. She disguised it as a lick of her paw, but I knew.

Because she ran under the bed and hid for the rest of the day.

On Day One, she left a hairball in my water dish. Was it because Helga forgot to pack her food? Did our diet not agree with her delicate stomach, as Horgan suggested? Try to be patient, Timber, he said.

On Day Two, she stole my tuna.

“She stole my food, Boss!”

“She hid all day yesterday. She was probably hungry, Timber.”

On Day Three, I woke up and she was sleeping on Horgan’s bed. In my spot. And he was petting her.

On Day Four, she had Lester and Pfizz teaching her how to shoot a pellet gun.

By Day Five, she still smelled no more like a mackerel than she had on the day she arrived. I was very relieved when Aunt Helga announced they would be returning to Minnesota that afternoon.

Lolita licked me goodbye. “Thank you for everything, Timber. I was really scared about this trip, but thanks to you guys, I had a really good time.”

Oh.

“Not every cat is a secret agent cat,” Horgan reminded me. “Most of them are just cats.”

“For a regular cat,” I said, “I suppose she was okay. Even if she didn’t smell like fish.”

Journal,

We just finished watching Iron Man, which is the first movie Horgan has ever let us watch that doesn’t star Garfield. For a human, Robert Downey Jr. is quite talented. His engineering skills surpass even those of the craftiest spy cat.

The movie itself was okay, except for some parts of it which I had a hard time believing. How can a man, even one wrapped in a metal suit, fall from the sky, land on the street, and survive?

If he were a cat, it would make more sense.

I said to Horgan, “You know what the world needs? Iron Cat.”

What he showed me next pretty much destroyed my faith in the ability of our government to keep secrets. I have serious doubts about my identity as a secret agent cat.

Because Iron Cat is real. These pictures and videos can only be explained by a long-standing secret feline weapons development program, going on under our very whiskers all this time. I can only hope that Iron Cat, wherever he is, is on our side.

Mad Cat
v8abF

An obviously early prototype. Notice the lack of complete body armor, and primitive weapons systems.

Source: http://imgur.com/v8abF

Mech Cat
cardboard-mech-cat-mechwarrior

An improvement over the first design. Presumably has a quadrupedal mode as well, or else is hopelessly anthropocentric. Lasers, if functional, are really cool. Must ask Horgan for lasers.

Source: http://imgur.com/gallery/c2vBj

Iron Cat in action

Somewhere there is a city in peril, and a giant robot cat is coming to save it. Or destroy it. I’m not exactly sure which.

The future of Iron Cat
mech__cat____thing___by_koonmo-d557nbx

A futuristic design, no doubt one of the planned final stages of the program. Armor and weapons are apparently now merged with biological constructs. Brilliant and terrifying.

Source: http://koonmo.deviantart.com/art/Mech-Cat-thing-311085789

I asked Horgan for a suit of armor for Christmas. He said he’d think about it.

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